Tongue firmly in cheek, Thomas Gandey reveals how to make a Beatport hit in 2019
Step 1: Firstly, remove the left-hand side of your brain as any musical knowledge or creativity will be a hindrance. For good measure and safety’s sake also remove the right-hand side of your brain, as you won’t be needing that either.
Step 2: Now make sure you sound like everyone else by sampling the whole groove of whatever is popular. The Top 10 is on Beatport’s front page so no need to dig any deeper as you must not try anything new or different.
Step 3: Now the really important part; make sure the track you make is as sterile and boring as it can possibly be. For house, preferably use a one-bar sample pack loop with some vocals robbed from a successful ’80s or ’90s singer but under no circumstances credit them or do it well. Random bits of the vocal will do (make sure it’s not in key). Pitching it down -3 works well.
Step 4: For techno, ensure you think you are cooler than everyone else and genre bash them. Then do the same as above but don’t have a snare drum or put the clap on beat 2 and 4.
Step 5: A long snare roll always helps in the breakdown. Maybe a stabby synth on the two drops that doesn’t relate to anything.
Step 6: Most importantly, nothing should be in key. If it is, make it a progressive loop that is a standard preset from a cracked soft synth. Do not modify the preset under any condition except maybe the filter cut-off.
Step 7: Some worry about an arrangement but it’s no bother at all. Just stick a popular track above yours, mute it but copy it so you know when to start, breakdown and end.
Step 8: Now send it to a label, preferably one where you have given the label manager a DJ gig or shared your, er, hospitality, with them on numerous occasions. Be as aloof and self-important as you can be; ego and self-importance is everything in this game.
Step 9: Once again, scoop out any brain cells that may have grown back in the meantime to stop you trying anything different.
Step 10: When the release comes out, make sure your label rep pesters Beatport for a banner and spend loads of money on marketing. If you see any return on your music outside of a DJ show you have done it wrong.